NPM.5 - Skeletonpaste

i threw up the barium the first time
they said it would be "chalky"
it was way worse
blue-white deathvomit like
drinking skeletons ground into powder and watered with
weak piss or
somebody whose family's just been murdered
cried into the bucket for 13 years

all over
the hospital gown, the squeaky shiny scuffed-up tile floor
the clean metal and expensive plastic
i couldn't get it out of me fast enough
praying for anaphylaxis
then i just had to drink more
and lie back down

been losing weight
didn't tell anyone there were some days
where i just didn't eat
was blood in the toilet and seizing awful cramps
in my gut
my stomach
felt like a teakettle with nothing in it
sitting on a burner on high
no longer whistling
unshrieking
didn't mention
i hated everything, everyone, everyday
even when they asked if maybe
it was all in my head
it wasn't
it was in my gut
my stomach

where the barium sulfate went

i didn't throw up the second time
but i spent the next rest of my life
wishing i had